Leaky Brainpan

Been a minute. Been feeling it lately. Kinda some dead space at work lately that has been making me anxious. Lots of phone calls and meetings that feel like nothing is moving. Waiting on “leadership” to make calls on certain things. Holding certain things back from said group because we don’t want to ask them too many things. The speed of a giant machine, I suppose. I have been putting off some dad related things that bring the feels. I like to think I don’t want to feel that way because it’s unproductive, but it’s scary, and unexpected, and I don’t like it because I have to go through it. Worried about the kid starting middle school soon. Worried about the woman going through her chemo shit. Worried about not being able to breathe at night sometimes, waking up in a gasp, heart racing. Worried about my tongue being swollen last week, thinking it has something to do with my heart. Always worried about my heart for some reason. Because I eat bad and don’t exercise.

I’m worried about my heart. Today I was working in the yard, on my knees cutting some bromeliads at the root with a small hand saw and I was spent/wrecked so quickly. My chest hurt a little, these pangs would come and go, especially when I would get up. I had to take really long breaks to recover. But the stress test I took the other day was fine. I’m stressed about the construction. I’m stressed about work and expectations from my boss about projects I have going on. About how I’m technically responsible for the future of how we manage/ support things. I just want to the win the lottery and wake up late and happy every day.

I am worried my dad will die soon. He’s got a kind of cancer the doctor told us might mutate awhile back and now it has. My dad didn’t come out and straight up say this but it sounds like the doctor is just trying stuff. It’s supposedly relatively rare, so there’s no established treatments for this depending on how it goes. His immunity, platelets, etc are just sorta crap. I am also worried, as usual, about my son, and his behavior. I abhor having to go up to him and ask him to do anything at all. He’s a huge brat. And his mother enables him at every turn. Today we were talking about how he has missed doing certain assignments and it’s kind of our fault for not being on him about it, and the first thing she says is oh well the teacher didn’t tell us the assignment weighed THAT heavily on the grade. Like, shut the fuck up. We screwed up. The kid screwed up. That’s why he’s got a D. Blaming the teacher is beside the point… I worry about her, as well, the stuff she’s going through and how it affects her. And I worry about me, just kind of getting hit in the mouth with all this stuff all the time. In addition to work. Some days, I’m just so over life…

Tonight’s worry journal is brought to you by the construction of the addition to the house and the idiot project manager who can’t get his story straight or just be straight up about shit. After we pulled off the tiles, and by we, I mean the construction mens, we noticed the roof on the garage wasn’t quite straight. We brought it up to the project manager who said he’d talk to the roofer about it. Second layer of paper is on the roof and when I was talking to the roofer, he said that the tiles will take the shape of whatever is under them. I asked the PM about what could be done to fix the garage roof, and he had no idea I’d talked to the roofer, so he says oh the roofers can adjust that while they are installing the tile. So I’ve gone ahead and reached out to one of the owners about how I can’t trust what this fool says… I don’t want to be one of those home owners but this guy just tells me what I want to hear. Worry journal is kinda good for me right now, I gotta say. Good job, worry journal. Not sure what else I got to worry about except my girlfriend going through chemo, but she’s doing ok all things considered. Gotta get gas for the car as I’ve been driving extra this week with trips for her treatment, but I mean, I’m not worried about that. Shit, worry journal, what am I going to worry about tomorrow?

Worried about my kid just being a complete mess tomorrow. I had to go ahead and block google.com on his school laptop because he spends most of the day searching five nights at freddy’s stuff. Yesterday he found some stuff related to his grandfather in the closet, and that’s a funny way to put it, you’ll see. In the closet there was an ad for an old barber shop named Lion’s Den and in the ad, it mentioned his grandfather. So today, my son looked up Lion’s Den, purely innocently, and it was sex shop online. First page has vibrators and dildoes. No big deal except he’s a little kid. Not really blocking google for that, more for the fact that he doesn’t get anything done. Every day, it’s a look at the history and whackamole against the sites he goes to. Also had to clean out the bookmarks and that was a pain in the ass until I realized I could just find the file that has them all stored and just delete them en masse. So he’s going to have a nuclear meltdown for sure. I need to prepare myself mentally to just have him out in the morning if it goes super sideways. Related to that, aka the person who enables him and coddles him straight toward homelessness, I’m worried about this retarded woman I live with and how chemo is making her more difficult to deal with than usual. She’s asking me for a favor and she’s just so difficult to talk to. I just don’t have any patience left late in the evening and it’s not her fault. And it’s just Tuesday. Also worried about some docs I have to write up for work and a project I need to get finished. At least tomorrow it’s Wednesday. I did go for a little walk in the morning and a longer walk in the evening. The weather is nice for it. What do people do when it rains? Do they just have squishy shoes just for walking in the rain? Looks like the roof failed inspection because there was no mopping in progress to inspect? Contractor said he expected the roofing to continue tomorrow but I’m sure that’s not going to happen. We’ll see, I suppose. Miss my own bed and desk and I guess misery in a comfortable place is slightly better. Peez aut.

I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago. Or an anxiety attack. Short version is I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and if I didn’t get to my family I was going to die. So I reached out to someone about a the rapy session. So I was talking to this the rapist and she suggested a few things. In order to deal with my waking up in the middle of the night all worried, she recommended setting aside some time well before bed (I may have crossed that line tonight) to write about the stuff that worries me. Right now, my weight and crap exercise state are worrying me. Results of my blood test and EKG are worrying me. My girlfriend’s cancer worries me. My son just continuing to make bad decisions worries me. The addition to the house and how far away it seems from being done worries me. More surprises popping up as far as inconvenience with that project worries me. I worry about job security sometimes. I worry about how to get a couple of work related projects done. I worry about how my coworker seems to be needy for attention but maybe he is just worried about me and I’m coming off like a douche. Today he was complaining about how inconsistent one of the stupidest people we deal with was being. And I mean, that person is a cumstain, of course you can’t count on them to make sense… I worry about my dad and his health, though he’s doing fine. I worry I’m going to die in my sleep, unable to breathe for some reason. Or of a heart attack.

I went for a nice walk this afternoon. No music, no podcast, just walking and looking at the ducks on the jogging path and whatever dumb person was ahead of me walking on the wrong side of the road so to speak. I wish there was an automatic machine under the jogging path that would just chuck those people into the canal. And maybe it would toss a life vest just in case. And the canal would just be full of life vests and reports of drownings because most people are fucking dumb.

I worry I’m a shit father and that I’ll never learn patience, that I’ll ruin my son. I worry I won’t get enough sleep tonight. I guess this is good enough for now…

When my family comes home, I’m immediately very exhausted. It’s not easy talking logically to this woman. I’m sure it’s not easy for her to talk to me. I just want to go to sleep all the time now. Yesterday, on my day off, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Dude at the KFC put his name tag on his hat. I don’t know why but it’s funny to me. Every time he looks in the mirror, he knows who he is.

This morning, I’m sitting in my chair at work drinking coffee when I had to adjust my shirt to because some slice of fabric was making my neck itch. I reached into the shirt at my right shoulder blade and found a dryer sheet. Pulled out and tossed it and then I’m like wait a minute, I wore this shirt yesterday. Was this shit in there yesterday, too? Could people see the white dryer sheet through the tiny holes of my main shirt sitting on top of my undershirt? Like for a whole day?

I’m a mongoloid…

So someone says to me, oh mah gahd, I really liked her dress. It was classic but modern.

I don’t even… I didn’t say anything back, but I wanted to say a penis is either large or small. But I don’t think she would get it.

Huzzah!