Month: November 2020

Tonight’s worry journal is brought to you by the construction of the addition to the house and the idiot project manager who can’t get his story straight or just be straight up about shit. After we pulled off the tiles, and by we, I mean the construction mens, we noticed the roof on the garage wasn’t quite straight. We brought it up to the project manager who said he’d talk to the roofer about it. Second layer of paper is on the roof and when I was talking to the roofer, he said that the tiles will take the shape of whatever is under them. I asked the PM about what could be done to fix the garage roof, and he had no idea I’d talked to the roofer, so he says oh the roofers can adjust that while they are installing the tile. So I’ve gone ahead and reached out to one of the owners about how I can’t trust what this fool says… I don’t want to be one of those home owners but this guy just tells me what I want to hear. Worry journal is kinda good for me right now, I gotta say. Good job, worry journal. Not sure what else I got to worry about except my girlfriend going through chemo, but she’s doing ok all things considered. Gotta get gas for the car as I’ve been driving extra this week with trips for her treatment, but I mean, I’m not worried about that. Shit, worry journal, what am I going to worry about tomorrow?

Worried about my kid just being a complete mess tomorrow. I had to go ahead and block google.com on his school laptop because he spends most of the day searching five nights at freddy’s stuff. Yesterday he found some stuff related to his grandfather in the closet, and that’s a funny way to put it, you’ll see. In the closet there was an ad for an old barber shop named Lion’s Den and in the ad, it mentioned his grandfather. So today, my son looked up Lion’s Den, purely innocently, and it was sex shop online. First page has vibrators and dildoes. No big deal except he’s a little kid. Not really blocking google for that, more for the fact that he doesn’t get anything done. Every day, it’s a look at the history and whackamole against the sites he goes to. Also had to clean out the bookmarks and that was a pain in the ass until I realized I could just find the file that has them all stored and just delete them en masse. So he’s going to have a nuclear meltdown for sure. I need to prepare myself mentally to just have him out in the morning if it goes super sideways. Related to that, aka the person who enables him and coddles him straight toward homelessness, I’m worried about this retarded woman I live with and how chemo is making her more difficult to deal with than usual. She’s asking me for a favor and she’s just so difficult to talk to. I just don’t have any patience left late in the evening and it’s not her fault. And it’s just Tuesday. Also worried about some docs I have to write up for work and a project I need to get finished. At least tomorrow it’s Wednesday. I did go for a little walk in the morning and a longer walk in the evening. The weather is nice for it. What do people do when it rains? Do they just have squishy shoes just for walking in the rain? Looks like the roof failed inspection because there was no mopping in progress to inspect? Contractor said he expected the roofing to continue tomorrow but I’m sure that’s not going to happen. We’ll see, I suppose. Miss my own bed and desk and I guess misery in a comfortable place is slightly better. Peez aut.

I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago. Or an anxiety attack. Short version is I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and if I didn’t get to my family I was going to die. So I reached out to someone about a the rapy session. So I was talking to this the rapist and she suggested a few things. In order to deal with my waking up in the middle of the night all worried, she recommended setting aside some time well before bed (I may have crossed that line tonight) to write about the stuff that worries me. Right now, my weight and crap exercise state are worrying me. Results of my blood test and EKG are worrying me. My girlfriend’s cancer worries me. My son just continuing to make bad decisions worries me. The addition to the house and how far away it seems from being done worries me. More surprises popping up as far as inconvenience with that project worries me. I worry about job security sometimes. I worry about how to get a couple of work related projects done. I worry about how my coworker seems to be needy for attention but maybe he is just worried about me and I’m coming off like a douche. Today he was complaining about how inconsistent one of the stupidest people we deal with was being. And I mean, that person is a cumstain, of course you can’t count on them to make sense… I worry about my dad and his health, though he’s doing fine. I worry I’m going to die in my sleep, unable to breathe for some reason. Or of a heart attack.

I went for a nice walk this afternoon. No music, no podcast, just walking and looking at the ducks on the jogging path and whatever dumb person was ahead of me walking on the wrong side of the road so to speak. I wish there was an automatic machine under the jogging path that would just chuck those people into the canal. And maybe it would toss a life vest just in case. And the canal would just be full of life vests and reports of drownings because most people are fucking dumb.

I worry I’m a shit father and that I’ll never learn patience, that I’ll ruin my son. I worry I won’t get enough sleep tonight. I guess this is good enough for now…